A Single Girl's Guide to Online Dating: Episode 2: The 2 Witnesses

10/28/17


Without further ado, 2 witnesses. Perhaps the most epic dating disaster I've had, the most appreciated story by my friends, and one that constantly gets referenced via the tagline "2 witnesses". I talked to this person (I'll call him Cameron to preserve his real name, for those of you dating in Okinawa, his POF name had "adventure" in it but I also won't disclose the full name there because I'm not a total shady bitch!) for a really long time via POF, then eventually text, and even after that a FaceTime conversation before we eventually went out. All seemed really cool despite the big age difference, and the fact that he clearly states that he is very religious, and I clearly state that I am not.

Throughout conversation he did indicate that he would never shove Jesus down my throat etc, phew.

As I sit here typing, I wish that were the case. What happened in actuality was way worse!

It started off well, maybe I was blinded by the hotness, lets be honest I was out of my league on this one, he was 24, a Marine, jacked, and 6’2”, basically the universe gave me everything that I vainly wanted at the time in a physical package then fucked with me. Thanks. Yes I'm fully aware that it was a stupid ass idea to start with, I was 35 at the time, and he was 24, 11 years, I could have practically been his teen mom. But I told you, he was really hot, and as one of my very best friends likes to say, I got dickmatized!

After exploring a “hidden” beach for a while, we lay there talking and after a few short minutes of small talk, I realized quickly that I was being indoctrinated into a cult. Ok maybe I wasn’t but it sure felt that way, I may have even looked around for some snake oil. The entire “religion” conversation (very one sided, obviously, since I made it clear that I am NOT religious) was about 45 minutes, him very much preaching to me in a judgey manner, saying he “used to be like me, selfish” before he “gave his life to god”. But then came the piece de resistance; the sex education according to this religious cult. I honestly can’t make this shit up. He looked at me straight faced and said, do you know why men have 2 testicles (at this point I was afraid to ask questions for fear of getting more God talk) to which I replied “no” (knowing full well that whatever answer I gave, especially a scientific one, would be incorrect to him.)
I have a REALLY expressive face, so I can only imagine what that looked like from his end, but I will say, it surely didn't deter him from what was about to happen...

Men have 2 balls so there are 2 witnesses. Because when a man and a woman have sex and he “pops her cherry” there is blood, blood is life, when there is life there is a bond between the two and thus they are bound together in matrimony, and the testicles act as the witness. I’m shaking my head as I type this shit. Ladies and gentleman, 2 witnesses. Think twice before you have sex, because uhhh, marriage (WTF!!)
He proceeded to text me a few times after this, trying to pull me into his religion, offering to take me to church, etc. Despite my numerous comments of disinterest.

Thanks a lot POF for another "unique" encounter.
Men, you apparently are walking around with a lot of power down there...respect the witnesses.

Up Next:
The Single Girls Guide to Online Dating: Episode 3: (DEFINITELY NOT) Single TDY guy

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